Alive yet not living

I'm alive yet I miss living.

In a few hours, it'll be Monday once more. Another day, another week. Another mundane life ahead. Some things have changed and I did felt excitement. But then again it revolved around work still. I am thankful for the blessings I have been receiving lately. And I know I'm not in the position to ask for more. Despite my shortcomings, I plea with the big guy way upstairs to have mercy.

I'm tired. I've been feeling exhausted lately. I don't smoke and I haven't gotten drunk in a long, long time. Still, I feel intoxicated with life's sorrows. I want to scream, I want to shout. I want everyone to know I'm not alright.

But they'll ask, "Why shouldn't you be?"

I have no answer aside from an annoying, “because…”. Yep, an ellipsis, my life has been full of those lately. I don’t know… I don’t know where to go… I don’t know where I should be or how things should be. But I’m still here, going through life. Alive yet not truly living.

I miss the party, I miss the companion. I miss the friends that are now seemingly from a distant world. It’s like I reside in a part of the earth where blocks of ice prevent people from enjoying the sunlight or appreciating the stars and the moon above. It’s unfair but then maybe it is I who tips the scale.

I miss how my own sweat drizzled from my forehead and blocked my vision temporarily. Because I know that the moment I pull my shirt against it, something awaits – a ball soaring waiting to be caught, another dance move waiting to be learned. Life was beautiful and life should stay that way. Getting high, that’s what I miss most. And there’s nothing more exhilarating than the elevation I get when I push myself, when I’m in haste.

But for now, I live this dogged life. Never changing, never exciting. Oh, it’s Monday already. Cool.

Make the shoe fit!

I remember the first time I applied for a higher position in our company. I recall saying to myself that I'll only do it for fun. In fact, I just wanted to experience how it was to apply - how it was to be grilled by the other bosses. Yeah, I got what I wanted - just plain experience.

I knew I wasn't going to be accepted. I was just out of nesting back then. Just a few weeks after being regularized. I don't suppose they'll hire a fresh college grad with no previous work experience to handle a team - lead, inspire, devote.

But then the interview took place. It was more than I could have ever imagined. There were questions that were out of this world. Maybe because the interviewers themselves seem to be from beyond this earth. Haha. And then it hit me, I could really do this job.

So there I was, confident- thinking I did well. Heck, better than the applicants who were much older than I was. Still, I kept telling everyone that I know I'm not going to be promoted. Yet, deep down... deep, deep down, my heart whispers its desires. I aspired to be a team leader.

Then there it was. The day they announced who the new team leader was. Of course it wasn't me. Why would they entrust me of such position? I know I was ready for the responsibility, but was I ready to mingle with this new clique?

Months have passed and there I was - bored beyond measure. I don't know why I'm still there, taking calls. Repetitive. Repetitive. Repetitive. There came a point where I developed an annoyance of what I do. The days and months drifted away mocking me of my robotic existence. I wasn't challenged anymore. But then again, even as doors opened up every now and then, I did nothing. I was no longer interested in applying for anything. It seemed like it was a dead end for me.

Outside the company, opportunities kept on knocking. At first, I hurried to them with glee. Yet, something seems to be not working for me. I drag my feet to interviews and exams. I wanted to do everything. I wanted to write, to teach, to excel. But the minute an offer comes within my grasp, I feel a longing to postpone it.

Then there it was, during my most mundane shift. I was walking around the floor thinking of something to liven up my work. I went to my then team leader to ask her for any updates. Nothing new there.

Then there he was, the account's trainer, asking me to pass a resume and an internal application. It seems like they were looking for applicants when my previous team leader (which is now to become Manager) recommended me for the job. No problem. I filled out the form for a new "ride".

I felt excited. Another application. A chance to stimulate my brain and show them what I got. I just wish this time, the challenge was worth the effort. The next day after filing my application, the trainer approached my station 2 hours before my shift ends asking me till what time I'll be taking calls.

Umm, 6am...

Good, you'll have a demo by 6am.

Ahh, okay...

Training room 2, boracay

tug... tug... thug... thug... dug, dug, dug, dug... my heart was raising as hell... What can I possibly demo about? God, God, God... With a 15minute break left before my demo, I was able to conjure a presentation about ta-dah! PRIVATIZING PRISONS - not the most enticing subject in the world but what the hell...

Oh, and did I mention? It was my birthday then... Happy Birthday to me...

Days passed and I heard nothing from them. How did it go, how did it go? Argh, I'm going to lose my mind for sure.

...to be continued...

Verification

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The morning after

"Being with you was like throwing up after getting drunk. It feels blissful pouring everything out.. But afterwards, you'll wake up realizing that you spent the whole night hugging the toilet."

"Being with you surpasses the trance-like joy tequila brings, until I realized that I can't stop throwing up."

Whoever this is for, don't feel bad. Note that eventhough there's truth in this. We still come back for more.

Harhar! I wrote these for a friend who just had a heartbreak or maybe just realized that the reason for her pain was moronic. HAHA!

City in Crisis, Youngblood INQ

Got published in The Philippine Daily Inquirer at last... hahaha...

I don't know if I can repost it here so here's the link instead.

http://opinion.inquirer.net/inquireropinion/columns/view/20080506-134767/City_in_crisis