ponder

august is about to end,

i wonder what awaits me as i leave the environment that i've grown accustomed to..
true. i don't even remember how life was before i was pushed into this institution.
nope. it's not a mental asylum. but close enough.

a decade and a half ago.
it seemed eons ago when i first entered the classroom.
a blazing green and white. full of hope. full of dreams.
eager to wake up enthusiastically to a new day of learning.

and God knows that only 2 years after that,
i was wishing silently that i get to continue my real dreams...
in a more familiar room, at the comfort of my pillows.

ha! what now? am i slowly longing for such naiveness?
am i to bargain to clinging to this lifestyle and willingly succumb to this? --
-- this little cocoon where i'm supposed to be able to develop myself, hone my skills...

so that one day, i'll be able to stretch my wings and fly high...
high enough to fulfill my dreams?
and/or maintain a low range so that i won't be so injured, if ever i fall...

time-wise, the institution says i'm ready to go...
they've packed my bags, and painted my wings beautifully with their colors.
or maybe just catchy enough for the others to see that 'hey, she's done, ready to soar'

but i ask, was that really enough?

if so, why do i feel so fragile? so ill-equipped to 'soar'.
why do i get the feeling that i'll just be gliding, passing through gardens and gardens
and still won't be satisfied...

is this field i chose really for me?
is this where i want to dwell?
i don't know... i just don't know...

can't i just have a do over? in another field? inside another cocoon?
and this time around, pick the better leaves that will help me develop into a butterfly?
to the shape and colors that i like.. to what i really want...

guess not huh?
coz i'm already here and there's no turning back..
so, world, just sit back and relax.
just chill, i'm not ready to come out, just a peak maybe..

hmm.. so no.. don't pull me out of my cocoon just yet..
i don't think i'm ready...
i don't suppose i'll ever be (any time soon).
it's just that there's still so much more that i missed.

so much to learn... and much more to unlearn..