Alive yet not living

I'm alive yet I miss living.

In a few hours, it'll be Monday once more. Another day, another week. Another mundane life ahead. Some things have changed and I did felt excitement. But then again it revolved around work still. I am thankful for the blessings I have been receiving lately. And I know I'm not in the position to ask for more. Despite my shortcomings, I plea with the big guy way upstairs to have mercy.

I'm tired. I've been feeling exhausted lately. I don't smoke and I haven't gotten drunk in a long, long time. Still, I feel intoxicated with life's sorrows. I want to scream, I want to shout. I want everyone to know I'm not alright.

But they'll ask, "Why shouldn't you be?"

I have no answer aside from an annoying, “because…”. Yep, an ellipsis, my life has been full of those lately. I don’t know… I don’t know where to go… I don’t know where I should be or how things should be. But I’m still here, going through life. Alive yet not truly living.

I miss the party, I miss the companion. I miss the friends that are now seemingly from a distant world. It’s like I reside in a part of the earth where blocks of ice prevent people from enjoying the sunlight or appreciating the stars and the moon above. It’s unfair but then maybe it is I who tips the scale.

I miss how my own sweat drizzled from my forehead and blocked my vision temporarily. Because I know that the moment I pull my shirt against it, something awaits – a ball soaring waiting to be caught, another dance move waiting to be learned. Life was beautiful and life should stay that way. Getting high, that’s what I miss most. And there’s nothing more exhilarating than the elevation I get when I push myself, when I’m in haste.

But for now, I live this dogged life. Never changing, never exciting. Oh, it’s Monday already. Cool.